A lot of folks ask about my PhD research, which I know I am oddly silent about. It’s just that this is my happy place, where I like to talk about mint green spray paint and DIY abstracts. I once did a feminist DIY project – blurring the lines between my blog-life and real-life, but I’ve blogged little about my topic and research in Hungary.
I’ve mentioned that I have had the lovely, lovely, privilege of not acquiring student debt, because I’ve ridden the scholarship wave. Currently I have funding to do my PhD, but that runs out August 30th. This year. Things were going swimmingly until my supervisor read my last chapters and said, “I honestly don’t think you can finish for August 30th”. Some parts, apparently, are boring and just not good. Ouch! I told my supervisor, “I can DO this, I swear. I’ll make it much better, you’ll see”. It’s shaping up, but now my confidence is shaken and I overthink every sentence. I worked really hard on what I submitted. I still have about 15 or so pages to write, but I aim to get everything in to my supervisor this week, who will make the call whether I can officially submit or not. I might not know until right before the deadline whether I made the cut. If not, I’ll have to pay tuition. I’ll be rooting around in the sofa, hoping there’s thousands of dollars of change hiding in between the cushions because you know where there isn’t? My bank account.
Nothing I can do now, but . . .
At first, I was seriously crushed. A bad review and I might be charged for being such a terrible academic. Super. But then I figured, most people pay tuition. How freaking lucky am I that I dodged that bullet for so long? I was even funded to go to Hungary for research and language classes. Two different trips! I learned to read Hungarian while doing this dissertation, so talk about personal growth! If I have to pay a few thousand bucks because I couldn’t get my ducks in a row in time, so be it. Hubby agreed. Further, I’m pretty sure getting a PhD is supposed to be soul-crushing. And, at the end of the day, Hubs and I are both healthy and happy, so other stuff is just icing.
Even with all of these rational thoughts, I now have this nagging little voice that greets me each morning with, “you suck“. I’m hoping that passes 🙂
|Inspired by this, but I used a photo from Hungary. Seems fitting.|
I’m in need of some “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE).